Book Snobs & How To Make Them Suck It

In this guide, you’ll learn how to outsmart, outtalk, and outwit these bookish braggarts using a combination of savvy shortcuts, cultural know-how, and just the right amount of bluffing.

Whether you want to genuinely engage in their highbrow banter or just shut them down with some snarky one-liners, here’s your game plan to beat the snobs at their own game.

The Snob’s Playbook: 50 Books They Use to Show Off (and How to Counter Them)

1. James Joyce – Ulysses

   • What’s It About: A day in the life of Leopold Bloom, told through stream-of-consciousness narrative and endless literary allusions.
   • Colloquial Version: It’s basically a deep dive into a guy’s head while he wanders around Dublin for 24 hours. Think of it as The Office, but instead of awkward silences and quirky coworkers, it's all about deep thoughts and literary references.
   • Why They Like It: It’s seen as the pinnacle of modernist literature, challenging conventional narrative forms and offering deep intellectual rewards for those who understand its complexities.
   • Their Comeback to Each Other: “Joyce’s reimagining of Homer’s Odyssey is just unparalleled. Every time you read it, there’s something new to uncover.”
   • Your Comeback: “Sure, but isn’t Ulysses just the ‘Inception’ of literature? Layers on layers, but at the end, it’s just a dude walking around Dublin.”

2. Friedrich Nietzsche – Thus Spoke Zarathustra

   • What’s It About: Nietzsche’s philosophical novel explores themes of the Übermensch, the death of God, and eternal recurrence.
   • Colloquial Version: Imagine a dramatic monologue where Nietzsche essentially tells you to be awesome and create your own rules. It’s like a motivational speaker who’s also a philosopher and a bit of a rebel.
   • Why They Like It: The book is revered for its bold critique of traditional values and its innovative approach to philosophical writing, presenting complex ideas through a poetic and aphoristic style.
   • Their Comeback to Each Other: “It’s about the rise of the individual. Nietzsche’s philosophy dismantles the comfort of conventional morality.”
   • Your Comeback: “Sounds like Kanye West’s discography—conflicted, self-aggrandizing, and impossible to ignore.”

3. Marcel Proust – In Search of Lost Time

   • What’s It About: A sprawling narrative that captures memories, social status, and the complexity of time through the lens of French bourgeois society.
   • Colloquial Version: It’s like reading someone’s super-detailed diary about their entire life, complete with nostalgia and really long sentences. Think of it as the ultimate deep dive into a person’s inner world.
   • Why They Like It: It’s considered a masterpiece of literary introspection and social critique, exploring themes of memory and identity with unprecedented depth and detail.
   • Their Comeback to Each Other: “The introspection is genius; it’s like Proust dissected human consciousness.”
   • Your Comeback: “Proust is basically a slow-burn version of The Office. It’s about the mundane, but with more croissants and ennui.”

4. Thomas Pynchon – Gravity’s Rainbow

   • What’s It About: A dense, chaotic novel set during WWII, exploring paranoia, conspiracy, and technology’s dark side.
   • Colloquial Version: Picture a World War II spy thriller mixed with a conspiracy theory that’s so tangled you need a flowchart to keep up. It’s like if The Da Vinci Code and a drug-induced haze had a baby.
   • Why They Like It: The novel’s complexity and its critique of modern society’s technological and political structures are seen as revolutionary in literary circles.
   • Their Comeback to Each Other: “The way Pynchon weaves the paranoia of the Cold War into his narrative is beyond genius.”
   • Your Comeback: “So it’s like the X-Files, but with more confusing plotlines and fewer explanations?”

5. David Foster Wallace – Infinite Jest

   • What’s It About: A novel about addiction, entertainment, and the absurdity of modern life, told through a fragmented narrative full of footnotes.
   • Colloquial Version: It’s like trying to navigate a TV series where every episode has its own backstory and footnotes. Imagine if Lost had a bunch of academic essays tucked into the show.
   • Why They Like It: Wallace’s use of footnotes and its exploration of contemporary issues with a blend of humor and philosophical depth make it a modern classic.
   • Their Comeback to Each Other: “Wallace’s footnotes are like a second story. He forces you to engage on multiple levels.”
   • Your Comeback: “Sounds like binge-watching Black Mirror with a migraine. Tech anxiety, but make it complicated.”

6. Leo Tolstoy – War and Peace

   • What’s It About: An epic narrative that explores Russian society during the Napoleonic Wars, mixing historical fiction with deep philosophical reflection.
   • Colloquial Version: Think of it as a massive soap opera set in Russia during the Napoleonic Wars, with a lot of drama and existential debates about life and society.
   • Why They Like It: Tolstoy’s novel is celebrated for its sweeping scope, intricate characters, and its profound meditation on history and humanity.
   • Their Comeback to Each Other: “Tolstoy captures the grand and the intimate; it’s the definitive novel on humanity.”
   • Your Comeback: “It’s like the Game of Thrones of the 19th century. Too many characters, dramatic battles, and a lot of existential dread.”

7. Jean-Paul Sartre – Being and Nothingness

   • What’s It About: A foundational text of existentialism that explores the nature of human freedom, consciousness, and bad faith.
   • Colloquial Version: It’s a deep, philosophical dive into why we make choices, the concept of freedom, and why people lie to themselves. Think of it as the philosophical version of an intense therapy session.
   • Why They Like It: Sartre’s rigorous philosophical analysis provides a deep and challenging examination of human existence and the nature of freedom.
   • Their Comeback to Each Other: “Sartre’s take on existence and essence just dismantles all prior philosophical thought.”
   • Your Comeback: “So it’s the philosophy version of Fight Club—question reality, hate yourself, and avoid responsibility.”

8. Virginia Woolf – To the Lighthouse

   • What’s It About: A family’s journey to their summer home, told through stream-of-consciousness, examining time, art, and perception.
   • Colloquial Version: Imagine a family vacation where the story isn’t about what happens, but what everyone is thinking and feeling. It’s like an introspective family drama with a lot of inner monologue.
   • Why They Like It: Woolf’s innovative narrative style and her exploration of time and consciousness are considered revolutionary in modernist literature.
   • Their Comeback to Each Other: “Woolf’s prose is pure poetry; it’s the perfect exploration of the inner life.”
   • Your Comeback: “So it’s a more introspective version of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? Memory, perception, and a lot of sad people.”

9. Karl Marx – Das Kapital

   • What’s It About: Marx’s critique of capitalism and his vision for a classless society.
   • Colloquial Version: Imagine a detailed analysis of why capitalism is a mess, with lots of arguments about why the rich keep getting richer and the poor keep getting poorer. It’s like a very intense economic rant.
   • Why They Like It: Marx’s analysis of capitalism’s inherent contradictions and his call for revolutionary change are seen as crucial to understanding socio-economic dynamics.
   • Their Comeback to Each Other: “Marx’s critique of capitalism remains incredibly relevant to discussions on inequality and class struggle.”
   • Your Comeback: “It’s like The Big Short, but with less Wall Street and more revolutionary zeal.”

10. Simone de Beauvoir – The Second Sex

    • What’s It About: A foundational feminist text that dissects the historical treatment of women as “the Other.”
    • Colloquial Version: It’s a deep analysis of how women have been treated as second-class citizens throughout history. Think of it as a historical exposé on why gender equality is still a major issue.
    • Why They Like It: It’s celebrated for its pioneering exploration of gender and the social construction of femininity.
    • Their Comeback to Each Other: “De Beauvoir’s work is a critical text for understanding gender dynamics and feminist theory.”
    • Your Comeback: “It’s like the feminist version of The Handmaid’s Tale—a wake-up call wrapped in historical and sociological analysis.”

Bonus List: Essential Classics to Know and Outsmart the Snobs

1. Plato – The Republic

   • What’s It About: Plato’s vision of a just society, led by philosopher-kings who understand the nature of reality.
   • Colloquial Version: It’s like Plato’s ultimate blueprint for the perfect society, where everyone has their place and everything is just. Think of it as a very ambitious plan for running a country with a lot of idealism.
   • Why They Like It: It’s a foundational text in Western philosophy, presenting an idealized view of justice and governance that continues to influence political theory.
   • Their Comeback to Each Other: “Plato’s Allegory of the Cave is the ultimate metaphor for human ignorance.”
   • Your Comeback: “So it’s like The Matrix, but with fewer explosions and more toga parties.”

2. Aristotle – Nicomachean Ethics and Politics

   • What’s It About: Aristotle’s exploration of virtue, ethics, and the best forms of government.
   • Colloquial Version: It’s Aristotle’s guide to living a good life and running a great government, with lots of practical advice on being virtuous and making good decisions. Like a super-old-school self-help book.
   • Why They Like It: Aristotle’s works are essential for understanding classical ideas of ethics and political theory, emphasizing practical wisdom and the nature of human flourishing.
   • Their Comeback to Each Other: “Aristotle’s practical approach to ethics really set the stage for Western thought.”
   • Your Comeback: “It’s the philosophical equivalent of every self-help book that says, ‘Do good things, be a good person.’”

3. St. Augustine – Confessions and City of God

   • What’s It About: Augustine’s personal spiritual journey and a defense of Christianity against Roman criticisms.
   • Colloquial Version: It’s Augustine’s personal story of finding faith and a deep dive into why Christianity is awesome, written in a very reflective and self-examining way. Imagine a religious memoir combined with a theological debate.
   • Why They Like It: Augustine’s introspective and theological insights have had a profound impact on Christian thought and Western philosophy.
   • Their Comeback to Each Other: “Augustine’s synthesis of faith and reason laid the groundwork for Christian theology.”
   • Your Comeback: “It’s like a medieval version of Eat, Pray, Love, but with more guilt and Latin.”

4. Thomas Hobbes – Leviathan

   • What’s It About: Hobbes’ examination of human nature and the necessity of a strong central authority to avoid chaos.
   • Colloquial Version: It’s Hobbes arguing that people are basically selfish and need a strong leader to keep everything from falling apart. Imagine a really intense political science lecture about why strong governments are a must.
   • Why They Like It: Hobbes’ work is a cornerstone of social contract theory and is valued for its stark view of human nature and political order.
   • Their Comeback to Each Other: “Hobbes’ analysis of the state of nature and the social contract is foundational to modern political theory.”
   • Your Comeback: “It’s basically the Survivor of philosophy—everyone for themselves until someone imposes order.”

5. John Locke – Two Treatises of Government

   • What’s It About: Locke’s arguments for the protection of individual rights and the necessity of government by consent.
   • Colloquial Version: It’s Locke explaining why everyone deserves basic rights and why governments need to be fair and get our permission. Think of it as the OG guide to democracy.
   • Why They Like It: Locke’s ideas are fundamental to modern liberal democracy and concepts of individual rights and government legitimacy.
   • Their Comeback to Each Other: “Locke’s theory of government and natural rights is essential to understanding modern political philosophy.”
   • Your Comeback: “It’s like House of Cards, but with fewer backstabbings and more discussions about property rights.”

6. Jean-Jacques Rousseau – The Social Contract

   • What’s It About: Rousseau’s exploration of political legitimacy and the idea of the general will.
   • Colloquial Version: It’s Rousseau laying out how societies should work and why we all need to be on the same page for things to go smoothly. Think of it as a really intense guide on how to make everyone agree on stuff.
   • Why They Like It: Rousseau’s ideas about democracy and the role of the state in representing the general will continue to influence political thought.
   • Their Comeback to Each Other: “Rousseau’s concept of the general will reshaped political theory.”
   • Your Comeback: “It’s like The Hunger Games, but with more theoretical arguments and fewer deadly arenas.”

7. Immanuel Kant – Groundwork of the Metaphysics of Morals

   • What’s It About: Kant’s foundation for his moral philosophy, introducing the concept of the categorical imperative.
   • Colloquial Version: It’s Kant’s guide to ethics where he basically says, “Do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do,” and he has a very structured way of explaining it. Think of it as the ultimate how-to guide for moral decisions.
   • Why They Like It: Kant’s rigorous approach to ethics, emphasizing duty and universal moral laws, is central to modern ethical theory.
   • Their Comeback to Each Other: “Kant’s categorical imperative is the bedrock of deontological ethics.”
   • Your Comeback: “It’s like The Good Place—the moral dilemmas are complex, but the answers are all about doing your duty.”

8. Karl Marx – The Communist Manifesto and Das Kapital

   • What’s It About: Marx’s critique of capitalism and his vision for a classless society.
   • Colloquial Version: Marx is ranting about how capitalism is unfair and why everyone should be equal. It’s like a fiery speech about why the rich shouldn’t be so rich and the poor shouldn’t be so poor.
   • Why They Like It: Marx’s analysis of capitalism’s inherent contradictions and his call for revolutionary change are seen as crucial to understanding socio-economic dynamics.
   • Their Comeback to Each Other: “Marx’s critique of capitalism remains incredibly relevant to discussions on inequality and class struggle.”
   • Your Comeback: “It’s like The Big Short, but with less Wall Street and more revolutionary zeal.”

9. Friedrich Nietzsche – Beyond Good and Evil

   • What’s It About: Nietzsche’s critique of traditional morality and his exploration of the concept of the will to power.
   • Colloquial Version: Nietzsche is shaking up how we think about right and wrong, telling us to create our own values and live boldly. It’s like he’s rewriting the rulebook for life and morality.
   • Why They Like It: This work challenges conventional moral values and presents a provocative vision of human potential and self-overcoming.
   • Their Comeback to Each Other: “Nietzsche’s critique of morality is a radical departure from traditional ethical systems.”
   • Your Comeback: “It’s like The Wolf of Wall Street—pushing boundaries and celebrating excess, but with more philosophical jargon.”

10. John Stuart Mill – On Liberty and Utilitarianism

    • What’s It About: Mill’s defense of individual freedom and his argument for the greatest happiness principle as a foundation for ethics.
    • Colloquial Version: It’s Mill arguing that people should be free to do what they want as long as it doesn’t hurt others, and that the best actions are those that bring the most happiness. Think of it as a very enlightened take on why freedom and happiness matter.
    • Why They Like It: Mill’s ideas about liberty and utilitarianism are pivotal in discussions of individual rights and the ethics of maximizing well-being.
    • Their Comeback to Each Other: “Mill’s arguments for individual liberty and utilitarian ethics are cornerstones of liberal thought.”
    • Your Comeback: “It’s like The West Wing—debating moral principles while trying to make the world a better place.”

Smart Media for Outshining the Snob Squad

• Audiobooks: Skip the pretentious page-flipping. Apps like Audible turn you into a literary genius during your gym workout.
• Podcasts: From The Great Books podcast to Philosophize This!, these are your go-to’s for a crash course in snobbery without the time commitment.
• YouTube Channels: Wisecrack, PhilosophyTube, and CrashCourse break down the heavy hitters so you can drop terms like “post-structuralism” without a second thought.
• CliffsNotes & SparkNotes: These old friends are your secret weapon. Absorb complex themes in 10 minutes flat and deliver them like you’ve spent weeks mulling over them.

Where the Snobs Hang Out (and How to Avoid Them)

• University Book Clubs: They meet to discuss their latest literary finds over artisanal coffee and vegan scones. Perfect for showing off but not for engaging in meaningful discourse.
• Intellectual Blogs and Magazines: Sites like The New Yorker or The New York Review of Books where literary snobs dissect the latest trends and obscure references. It’s like attending a lecture where you didn’t get the memo.
• Exclusive Literary Circles: Think of private literary salons or clubs where members drop names like they’re trading cards. They might appreciate your enthusiasm, but your lack of a formal literary pedigree might be noted.

Next time you're faced with a crowd of literary elites, remember: you don’t need to read every classic or master every philosophical argument to hold your own. With the right mix of wit, pop culture savvy, and a touch of informed banter, you’ll be ready to tackle even the most pretentious literary snobs with confidence.